Regret
by wagahaiwaneko
Summary: A successful 38-year old Kyouya looks back on his past, recalling his wife's suicide and the task of raising the son she left behind. Through her diary entries, Kyouya learns that there's more to life than riches and reputation. AR, POSTANIME.
1. The Death of Haruka

Before you read: The timeline of this story goes as follows: Kyouya is sitting in his office as a 38-year old in the year of 2020, looking back at his life before and after his wife's suicide. He married Haruka Mikagawa in 2001 at the age of 19, when she was 18. Their only son was born in 2003, two years after their marriage. Her suicide is committed in 2008 when Kyouya is 26 and she is 25 (they had been married for 6 years by then). Kyouya narrates the memories of the years after her suicide, with flashbacks to his marriage to Haruka. Each of the diary entries she encloses in an envelope to him on the day of her death is the introduction of each chapter, and were obviously written before her death. Kyouya read all the letters right after her death, but with each passing year as his son grows up, the letters gain more meaning as Kyouya searches for what is important in life. The end of this series concludes back in "present day" (2020) with Kyouya nearing his 40s and his son at the age of 17.

If you have questions, feel free to email me at wagahai(dot)wa(dot)n3ko(at)gmail(dot)com! (This is because I don't use PMs, and it's too hard to reply to comments.)

Enjoy!

* * *

**_November 12, 2020-Kyouya's Office, Ootori Mansion_, _Tokyo_**

"Master!"

I'll never forget that day. Not because I was filled with regret, but because I was completely void of it.

* * *

**_November 12, 2008-Ootori Main Hospital, Tokyo_**

"Master!"

Tachibana raced into my office, panting with exertion.

"Master!"

"What is it? You have not entered my office to my convenience. Make it quick." I was not pleased with people disturbing my work.

"Master Kyouya! It's your wife, Lady Haruka! Lady Haruka!" Tachibana sounded rather stressed.

"What about my wife?" I asked coldly. What my wife did was of no concern to me. I had only married her because Father had arranged our marriage.

"Lady Haruka is in the Emergency Room! She was admitted a few minutes ago into your very own hospital, THIS hospital!"

Hmmmmmm.

_Your? _You may be wondering why Tachibana called the Ootori Hospital "mine." Isn't it obvious? Shortly after I graduated, I, the third son, inherited the Ootori Group.

But in order to do so, I was encouraged to marry a major client's daughter: Haruka Mikagawa. I was merely 19, which made me into one of the youngest international business tycoons. Haruka was a silly girl at 18, and was extremely pleased to be marrying a man like myself.

Our marriage was necessary, although it was something I did not look forward to. Nevertheless, I married her and simply disregarded the fact that I did not love her and probably never would.

The two of us had an extremely flamboyant wedding. Dignitaries and business icons from all over the Earth scurried to witness my marriage to Haruka, although I should like to think that they did not come for Haruka but rather myself. Our wedding had completely overshadowed the wedding of Tamaki and Haruhi two years after ours.

I pretended to love Haruka, at least in the public eye.

Even so, I took Tachibana's information to heed and headed to the Intensive Care Unit, where Haruka had been transferred.

I slid the door gently behind me and shut the curtains of the room. Because of Haruka's connection to me, she had received her own private room.

She looked terrible, although I had never found her exceedingly attractive.

Haruka was covered in bandages, most of which did not seem to be helping her case. I picked up the clipboard that hung on the edge of her bed. It seemed that she had broken her arm in a few places, as well as a few limbs. She had multiple injuries that would have usually proved to be fatal.

Her face was essentially a big, bloody bandage with respiratory tubes running from it.

She was so badly mauled that one could not tell she was of the female gender.

"Haruka…What have you done?" I murmured, even though Haruka was most likely unconscious. "You fool." She was disgracing my family name.

My pager went off, and I saw that Tachibana was attempting to alert me. I went to the front of the hospital where Tachibana was waiting with my car. I saw that he had brought my son with him.

My son.

That phrase should have filled me with insurmountable amounts of pride, as the plural phrase had done to my father.

Instead, the phrase filled me with a dark disappointment. My son, Ryusei Ootori, had been born with heart problems, causing him to be an exceedingly weak child. He was nothing to be proud of. My only child, my only son would never be strong enough to inherit the company.

The Ootori was to end with me. I blamed not myself, but Haruka and my son for tarnishing and ending the Ootori bloodline.

My son looked at me with a sharp, intelligent gaze. His extremely pale skin glowed in the daylight. Due to his condition, he was not allowed to leave the house often.

I looked up, away; anywhere to escape the sharp gaze of my son.

"Yes, Tachibana?" I wasn't pleased.

"Master. I was picking up your son when I found out that Lady Haruka had attempted suicide."

Suicide? This was certainly interesting. Even so, no emotion besides curiosity pulled at my heartstrings.

"And?" I pressed.

Tachibana hesitated.

"Lady Haruka threw herself off the roof of this very building approximately an hour ago. A nurse had seen her in the building before her…incident. Lady Haruka appeared to have been muttering something about an office, so we presumed that she meant _your _office."

"I see." I looked to the sky. "Haven't I already made it clear to her that she is not allowed into my office?" I mused aloud to myself. Haruka's adoration and desire to be around me at all times had always irked me.

She annoyed me even more so than Tamaki. That Suou had _always_ irritated me, yet I felt compelled to show kindness towards him. I suppose you could speculate that we were close friends.

But Haruka aggravated me for reasons even I didn't understand. I guess I hated her.

However, when one inherits an internationally renowned corporation, one does not complain about their spouses.

So, I made my vows to her without a backward glance. And even though it was clearly obvious that Haruka was madly in love with me, I ignored her for much of our married life. She knew that I did not reciprocate her feelings, yet she willingly surrendered her body to me, the third Ootori son, all those countless nights.

Eventually, human biology produced an heir to the Ootori throne. For those short nine months of her pregnancy I suppose we acted like a true couple. I cannot assess whether my feelings were true or not, but it was a blissful time for our family.

Then came the birth of my son. When he was born, I felt that it was a time of great fortune for the Ootori family. But it all ended when we discovered the truth about our son.

Shaking my head free of any thoughts, I walked calmly to my office, greeting the occasional staff member.

My door clicked open and I stepped in tentatively. I walked around my desk and sat in my 100% leather office chair. My eyes spotted a thick manila envelope on my desk, so I extended an elegant arm and five slender fingers and lifted it up.

On the front, the words "To my beloved Husband, Kyouya Ootori" were written in Haruka's wispy handwriting.

I had pondered my choices for a while—to open it and learn the dark truths or to remain blissfully ignorant.

Eventually I made the decision to open the package and read only the first page of many. The thick envelope would provide me with much information, but I chose to withhold most of it from myself until the moment was right.

I took a deep breath, wondering why I felt a bit unsure of myself. With my left hand I held the package lightly, and with the other I reached into a desk drawer to grasp a platinum and engraved letter opener.

I placed the pointed end inside the nook of the envelope flap and swiftly sliced the envelope. Reaching inside, I felt the stack of papers, took out the top sheet, and laid it delicately on my desk.

As I was reading the letter, my desk phone rang and I unfeelingly brought it to my ear.

"Master…Lady Haruka has passed on. I'm sorry, Master."

Silently, I placed the phone back onto its base.

_Haruka._

Author's Note: Yes. I'm sorry, to break the mood of this story with a dumb author's note. So, what did you think? Kyouya isn't exactly OOC, as that's not what I'm aiming for. He's just more evil than usual? I think it sounds like Kyouya. (Hopefully.) Anyway. Please review!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Kyouya Ootori or any characters affiliated with Ouran High School Host Club. The OHSHC belongs to Bisco Hatori, Bones, FUNimation, and VIZ Media. However, the fictional characters Haruka Mikagawa and Ryusei Ootori.


	2. The Missing Key

_**November 12, 2020****, Kyouya's Office, Ootori Mansion, Tokyo**_

_Haruka._

The memories were clearer still._  
_

**_November 12, 2008, Kyouya's Office, Ootori Main Hospital, Tokyo_**

After I placed the phone back on the desk, I had sat and thought for a while. So Haruka had really succeeded in killing herself.

I had wondered whether I should feel regret, or another saddening emotion. I felt nothing, as if I were an empty void.

The solution was easy: I just went on with my work.

Yet, I still felt as though I were missing something important.

* * *

_**November 13, 2009, private den, Ootori Mansion, Tokyo**_

Haruka, my late wife, had only been dead a year until my family began to press me to remarry.

I invited Tamaki, Haruhi, and their children into my home one day, so that I could consult with them what was best to do. Not that I actually valued Tamaki's opinion. But, as always, the blonde idiot surprised me with pearls of wisdom.

"Remarry?" Tamaki had seemed genuinely surprised. "But isn't it a bit too soon? Haruka's only been dead for a year. She still left Ryusei, and I'm pretty sure the wounds still hurt, right, Kyouya?"

"What wounds?" I asked.

"Yours, Kyouya-senpai." Haruhi gave me a look of disdain as she fed her youngest child from a bottle.

"_My _wounds? Why would I have any?"

Tamaki was even more shocked.

"Didn't Haruka's death strike something in you?"

I contemplated that.

"No. Should it have?"

Tamaki sighed.

"Didn't you give that beautiful speech at her funeral? Sure sounded like you missed her."

"Politics, my friend. I couldn't say that I felt nothing at her death." I took a small sip of my coffee.

Tamaki and Haruhi stared at me in a shocked silence.

"Well…. Did she love YOU, then?" Tamaki asked delicately.

"Although you probably didn't deserve it." Haruhi scolded me.

I chuckled.

"No, I didn't." I pulled Haruka's suicide letter out of my suit jacket pocket, where I always kept it. I slid the letter across the table to the happy couple.

**_October 30, 2008_**

_**From the desk of Haruka Mikagawa-Ootori**  
_

_To my beloved and dear Kyouya,_

_If you are reading this, then I will have traveled to another world already. I already miss you so much. Yet, I can expect that you do not feel the same way. _

_Let me clear up a few things._

_Why did I choose to die?_

_Please, do not blame yourself. I chose this path, not because I despise you, or wish to tarnish the Ootori name. Really, none of those are my intentions. I have no resentment towards you._

_In fact, Kyouya, I truly love you. So, so much, as you've probably noticed. _

_It is my love for you that causes me to write this and carry out my plan to end my life._

_I noticed that you felt nothing towards me from the beginning. I don't blame you-when we began our public courting, I was a silly girl who had petty desires and such. I was proud to have snagged a man like you, even if the whole thing had been arranged. At first, I simply felt pride and puppy love. _

_Yet I fell deeply in love with you, a pure, wholehearted love. Even though you were only loving towards my in the public spotlight, I loved you. I relished going to press conferences and social events with you, for it was during those times that I felt loved. I do not know whether you were pretending or it was true, but I do know that you ignored me outside of the public eye. _

_Even so, I attempted to keep my distance from you for I knew you were more comfortable that way._

_When we conceived our child, I felt that you had shown your true kindness to me during my pregnancy. I had my doubts, sometimes, that you were only kind because I was carrying a prospective heir. _

_I milked your love, false or true, for all that it was worth. You probably noticed my selfishness. _

_After Ryusei was born, I thought that you would truly, truly love me. _

_But when we discovered that our son had the heart disease, I gave up hope. At first you were fine, when the tics were less noticeable, but when Ryusei began to embarrass you in public, you reacted more indifferently. _

_I fell into a pit of clinical depression. I fought a losing battle against it for two years, for you had not allowed me to seek medicine for the risk of it going to the press. _

_Perhaps it was my untreated depression or not, but either way, I will be gone from this world. _

_Please don't hate me, Kyouya. I love you, even if you don't return my feelings. _

_Along with this letter, you will find some of my diary entries and Ryusei's drawings._

_With all my love,_

_Haruka Mikagawa-Ootori_

After Haruhi finished reading, she passed the paper to Tamaki. She gaped at me in horror.

"Yes?" I asked.

"What happened to you?" She cried. "During the years of the host club, I knew you were a dark shadow king, but I didn't think you were this cruel. You still had a kind side to you back then! What happened to the fake egoist? You've evolved into a true, dark egoist."

"You make it sound like I'm a Pokémon or something. Evolve? Honestly, Haruhi, I don't understand. I was a fake egoist during high school?"

"Yes! You spent a lot of your time and effort into creating this egoistic character, but we all knew that you were kind deep down inside. But now, you just disgust me. I can't believe you." Haruhi got up and walked away, taking her children with her.

Tamaki looked up now, and returned Haruka's letter to me.

"Kyouya….my wife is right. You were never this dark before. What…..happened?" Tamaki sounded remorseful.

"Nothing. What makes you two think that I was a kind person before?"

"I-never mind. I think Haruhi knows more about this issue. I'm sure that all these things will surface eventually." Tamaki stood and left as well.

_Was I really altruistic before? I didn't remember much of my high school years, save for studying and managing the host club. I don't exactly remember having a kind streak. Or having fun in high school for that matter. Hadn't I always been en egoist, inside and out?  
_

I felt like I as missing a key piece to this puzzle. Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when I heard my door click open.

Irritated, I looked over my shoulder to see Tachibana bringing my son into my room.

The boy looked more like me everyday, yet I wasn't proud.

"Good evening, Father." The 6-year-old spoke intelligently, I had to give him points for that.

"Good evening, Ryusei." I spoke with a cold civility.

"Master." Tachibana bowed and left the room.

I sighed. I looked at my son. He was still as pale and thin as ever. He looked weak, yet I could see an intelligent fire burning in his eyes.

"So, Ryusei. What happened in school today?"

"As usual, Father. I stayed in the classroom and studied as the others went to the playground." He spoke _very _intelligently, just the way I had when I was younger.

"I see. Does that make you feel any emotion?" I asked.

"No, Father. My duty is to perform well at school, not to play. Time is money, and I cannot waste either."

Did six-year-olds normally talk like this?

I looked at my platinum Rolex on my wrist.

"Ryusei, I believe that it is…"

"-Time for my medicine and therapy. I understand, Father. I will leave now."

_How dare he interrupt me!_

I didn't understand why I was angry. He was growing up exactly the way I had, if not better. Perhaps my hatred came from the fact that he might be surpassing me while being weak in body.

"Goodbye, Father."

I watched him leave with a regal grace.

After he had gone, I placed my elbows on the table and slumped my head into my hands.

_I'm still missing something. Ryusei, my past, the letter…something isn't adding up. What is it? What is it that I'm looking for?_

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ouran.

Please review! Sorry for not uploading recently.


	3. Lessons on Kindness

Before you read: The timeline of this story goes as follows: Kyouya is sitting in his office as a 38-year old in the year of 2020, looking back at his life before and after his wife's suicide. He married Haruka Mikagawa in 2001 at the age of 19, when she was 18. Their only son was born in 2003, two years after their marriage. Her suicide is committed in 2008 when Kyouya is 26 and she is 25 (they had been married for 6 years by then). Kyouya narrates the memories of the years after her suicide, with flashbacks to his marriage to Haruka. Each of the diary entries she encloses in an envelope to him on the day of her death is the introduction of each chapter, and were obviously written before her death. Kyouya read all the letters right after her death, but with each passing year as his son grows up, the letters gain more meaning as Kyouya searches for what is important in life. The end of this series concludes back in "present day" (2020) with Kyouya nearing his 40s and his son at the age of 17. Throughout this fanfiction, Kyouya is re-reading her letters on the anniversary of her death in 2020.

If you have questions, feel free to email me at ! (This is because I don't use PMs, and it's too hard to reply to comments.)

Enjoy!

* * *

_**May 14, 2001**_

_**From the Desk of Haruka Mikagawa**_

_Diary-chan! It's me again~the ever-cheerful, 18-year-old Ruka-chan! I'm super excited, I met my fiancé today!_

_I had heard about him before, he's the dashingly handsome and incredibly smart son of the Ootori family, which works a lot with mine for shipping and things like that. I found out about the arranged marriage back in January, but I hadn't gotten to meet Ootori-kun._

_He's very handsome, diary-chan! And he's going to inherit the company. Isn't that amazing, diary-chan? He's the third son, but he defeated his brothers in the business battle. So smart, ne~? I'm mostly excited because he's super rich and handsome and smart. He was also super sweet, during our lunch meeting today. It was kind of a date, except for the fact that our bodyguards were sitting nearby. But still! He was such a gentleman, and later in the afternoon I met his friends! He's a host at the prestigious Ouran Academy. I was supposed to go there but I ended up in England instead…_

_Ootori-kun and his friends have a great dynamic. He tried to act cool and indifferent around them, like their manager, but I could tell he cared about them. Maybe someday he can care about me like that too~_

_I can't wait until our next date, and then our wedding in August~ I wonder what kind of dress I'll choose?_

_Okay~ I'll talk to you again later, ne, diary-chan?_

_Love, _

_The future Haruka Mikagawa-Ootori 3_

_

* * *

_

_**November 12, 2020, Kyouya's Office, Ootori Mansion, Tokyo**_

I stared at her letter the same way I had stared at it on the evening following her death, I stared at it the same way I had did a year after her death, and I stared at it the same way I had for each year following. This was what I did to all her letters. My expression was always the same, at first blank, then contemplative, then searching, then frustrated. But the thoughts on the letters changed each year.

But when I was rereading it in 2010, I still didn't understand a single word she said.

* * *

_**April 21, 2010, Headmaster's Office, Ouran Academy Elementary Department, Tokyo**_

"Ootori-sama, I understand that the past two years have been filled with strife and sadness for you and your son. It must have been hard to take her death, and that's understandable. However, I want to recognize your son for his academic achievement-he's only seven years old and he's already taking the classes meant for children at age 9 or 9. He's incredibly bright, and takes after you."

I looked the aging headmaster in the eye, wondering what the main point of his spiel was. I didn't have to wait much longer.

"Despite his brightness, I feel that he's advancing faster than his little heart will let him. The stress of taking so many classes mustn't be easy on the boy, he's very young!"

Now I could see the truth. The headmaster thought my son was too weak of keep up.

"If his grades are exceptional, I see no harm."

"That's not the point, Ootori-sama. His body might not be able to handle his grueling schedule."

His body was handling it well, from what I saw. Admittedly, my son was a little thinner than the other students, but I had been the same at his age. The point was to increase my son's mental strength as his body was not able to develop as quickly as others. Because he was the heir to the Ootori business, he had to show some strength. If not physically, then mentally.

"Thank you for the warning. I'll be sure to discuss this with his pediatricians."

And I left the office in search of my son.

Tamaki and Haruhi were waiting outside of our children's classroom, and were surprised to see me on the Ouran campus.

"Kyouya! What are you doing here?" Tamaki smiled, but his eyes were guarded against me.

"The headmaster had some concerns." I could tell that the distance between Tamaki and I had grown considerably; I had kept very little contact with the other hosts after my marriage, and even less contact with Tamaki after he and Haruhi had scolded me last year—the year after Haruka's death. Needless to say, this was the first time in several months that I had seen Tamaki.

"Oh." There was an awkward pause. I sensed Haruhi's disapproving stare.

"How are Maki and Fuji?" I asked about their twins, who were in the same advanced classes as my son.

"Fine, fine! Do you want to see some pictures of them?" Tamaki eagerly reached into his back pocket for his wallet.

I held up a hand in polite refusal. "No, thank you, Tamaki, I know how endlessly you can talk about those two." Then I stood off to the side and looked through the window to where my son sat at his desk. The same desk I had sat in 22 years earlier. I saw Tamaki's children in the seats in front of my son, their blond-brown hair glinting in the light. Fuji, the boy, was pestering my son, who looked up at him in the same distaste I had shown Tamaki when we were sophomores in high school. But I noticed the glimmer of amusement in my son's eyes—something that shocked me. I had never seen my son show a glimpse of happiness. But as the bells rang, that glimmer was gone, and my son saw me. His gray eyes bored into mine in all seriousness.

I moved from the window to meet my son outside the class.

"Hello, father." He said quietly, drawing himself to his full height of four feet. I sensed a quiet respect in him, but I knew there was a burning intensity within. I looked away from Ryusei to see Tamaki's brats scamper towards him with glee.

"Papa! Papa!" the twins shouted with glee. Ryusei and I merely looked on at the happiness ensuing around us. Tamaki hoisted Maki, the girl, on his shoulders (undignified!) and the family of four went to their cars.

As I walked my son to our car, I asked him about his workload.

"I'm fine, father, I can handle it all. It's not particularly challenging anyway. I have to become strong in order to represent the Ootori family properly, correct?"

I had never understood parenting; I had never done it. Haruka had taken care of the boy, so I wasn't sure if he was talking back to me or not. I didn't reply, and we drove off towards home.

* * *

At the house, Ryusei immediately retreated to his room to do homework, and I went to my office and took out the diary entries Haruka had given to me in that envelope. The first one, chronologically, was written shortly after we first met each other; on that first date.

Her entry complimented me, it raised me above all other men. It proclaimed my intelligence, my skill, my handsomeness, and bizarrely enough, my kindness. I thought about my son. When the time would come for him to marry, is this what his wife would think of him? Would she see him as handsome? My son had my looks, so I figured this wasn't a problem. Would she see him as intelligent? He was already a year ahead of other students. Skillful? He had a way with words and quiet confidence, much like I did. Kind?

I was stuck there. I knew that kindness wasn't necessary in business, and in fact a hindrance, but I somehow remembered one day when Ryusei was four, and Haruka was sick. I was sitting in her room, on the phone with her doctors, when Ryusei ambled in, crying. "Mama! Mama!" he shrieked, to which I had to scold. He ran to Haruka's bed, and hugged her like no other. "Mama!" His noisiness was intolerable, so I took him by the arm and sent him to his room.

But today, his screams burned into my memory. They were something I hadn't found important. But I can remember the raw emotion, the terror at his mother's sickness, the desperation in his clutch, and Haruka's gentle smile. Had Ryusei lost that? Had he once been kind? Had he once been thought of as a kindred soul, as Haruka had thought of me?

I wasn't sure why I was thinking about kindness, of all things. But for some reason, I couldn't stop asking myself whether Ryusei was gentle and kind, and whether I had once been thought of as well. It made me think of a year earlier, when Tamaki and Haruhi seemed astonished by my coldness, and had called me an inner altruist.

Was I really? Was Ryusei really? Were we secretly kind, or were we the business-minded men of the Ootori family?

My world was crumbling, little by little. It didn't crumble with Haruka's death, but for some reason it was not making sense to me now.


End file.
